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Writer's pictureQuique Autrey

What We Lose When We Grow


 blurred photograph of the interior of a church, with a focus on the pews and the altar at the front. The lighting from the stained glass windows creates a soft, colorful glow.

"Or put it another way: Growth is always loss. Anytime you’re gonna grow, you’re gonna lose something. You’re losing what you’re hanging onto to keep safe. You’re losing habits that you’re comfortable with, you’re losing familiarity. That’s a big one, when you begin to move into the unfamiliar."

-James Hillman, We've Had a Hundred Years of Psychotherapy And The World's Getting Worse


Someone shared the above quote on Instagram the other day. It's been several years since I've read We've Had a Hundred Years of Psychotherapy And the World's Getting Worse by psychologist James Hillman and journalist Michael Ventura.


This book had a massive impact on me when I first read it. At the time, I was in personal counseling with a depth-oriented psychotherapist. In addition to other authors, my therapist introduced me to the writings of James Hillman (1926-2011).


James Hillman was a pioneering figure in the field of psychology, best known for his work in developing archetypal psychology. He emphasized the importance of imagination, myth, and metaphor in understanding the human psyche, challenging conventional approaches to psychotherapy. Hillman’s ideas encourage a deeper exploration of the soul, urging individuals to engage with their inner worlds through the lens of art, culture, and history. His work continues to inspire those seeking a more profound and creative understanding of the self.


In We've Had a Hundred Years of Psychotherapy and the World's Getting Worse, Hillman and Ventura engage in a thought-provoking dialogue that critiques the traditional approaches to psychotherapy. The book challenges the notion that personal therapy alone can heal broader societal issues, arguing instead that psychological well-being is deeply intertwined with cultural and social factors. Through their conversation, Hillman and Ventura advocate for a shift in focus from individual pathology to a more communal and holistic approach, emphasizing the need for collective healing in a world increasingly disconnected from its roots.


Going back to the quote, Hillman responds to a question posed by Ventura about the fantasy of "growth" in modern day psychotherapy. Ventura points to a tendency in the US to idealize the journey of self-improvement. Many self-help books, according to Hillman and Ventura, present a picture of personal growth that follows the trail of perpetual expansion.


In opposition to this trend, Hillman describes growth as a loss. As paradoxical as this seems, it resonates deeply with my personal experience and my work as a psychotherapist.



Growth as Loss of Beliefs



The image shows a shelf with several books standing upright, and their spines create the illusion of a human face. The books are arranged in such a way that when viewed together, they form a complete image of a face with realistic details, including eyes, nose, and lips. The rest of the shelf has a few other books stacked horizontally, and the overall scene is minimalist with a focus on the creative arrangement of the books to create the face.


I recently finished writing my first book, Green Flags: How To Be The Person You Need in Your Life. In the book, I explore the various traits that make up a "green flag" person. This is a person who others percieve as healthy, integrated and energizing. Becoming a green flag person is not easy. It requires quite a bit of introspection and effort to overcome some of the unconscious patterns that govern our life.


One of the traits of a "green flag" person is their ability to listen without being defensive. I argue this is only possible when we have learned to hold our beliefs lightly and no longer conflate our identity with our opinions and values.


In my twenties, I was part of a traditonal religious community. My beliefs and opinions were rigid and exact. The world was black or white, there was little room for the spectrum of grey.


This inflexibility led to a pattern of relational avoidance. Friends and family who held different values than my own were kept at an arm's distance. Why? Because my identity was inexorably tied to convictions in my head. If someone questioned my beliefs, it would result in a type of existential crisis.


In Green Flags I describe my journey into and out of the Christian religion. A crucial part of that path was getting fired from a church and eventually starting therapy.


One of the things that was so healing about the therapeutic process was realizing I had an identity apart from my thoughts or beliefs.


When I no longer conflated my identity with my beliefs and opinions, I could be more open and listen to other people without feeling threatened.


Growth As Loss of Fantasies & Illusions


The image shows a soft, abstract blend of colors, primarily featuring shades of pink and light blue. The overall effect is a gentle gradient, creating a calm and serene atmosphere. The colors seem to fade into each other without any distinct shapes or patterns, giving the impression of a dreamy, ethereal background.

In We've Had a Hundred Years of Psychotherapy and the World's Getting Worse, Hillman describes growth as a shedding process:

And becoming more and more oneself—the actual experience of it is a shrinking, in that very often it’s a dehydration, a loss of inflations, a loss of illusions.”


At first glance, this way of putting things seems contradictory. At a surface level, how can personal growth be linked to shrinking? If we push pass the literalism of the analogy, it's not difficult to see that attaining health (i.e., growth) typically requires the removal of certain unhealthy elements (e.g., inflations, illusions, etc.)


The Loss of The Illusion of the "Perfect Marriage": Client Story


*The example below is a true story with details that have been altered in oder to protect the confidentiality of the client.


Stanley came to see me after a shocking revelation from his wife. After 25 years of marriage, Stanley's wife shared that she was no longer attracted to men and wanted to start dating women.


This was devastating for Stanley for several reasons. First, Stanley was genuinely taken aback by his wife's admission. If you would have asked him the day before, he would told you that he was in a great marriage. Sure they had their ups and downs, but on the whole Stanley believed they were both very much in love with each other.


In addition to individual therapy with me, Stanley and his wife were involved in couple's therapy. It was revealed that Stanley's wife had struggled with their relationship for most of the marriage. She was a master at repressing her feelings and pretending that everything was ok. A successful executive at her company, she was used to managing her image in order not to disrupt her employees' faith in her.


She clearly loved her husband, but not in a romantic way. Opening up about her sexual desires for women was one of the most freeing moments in her life. She hated how much this hurt Stanley, but she felt compelled to live her truth.


The hardest thing for Stanley to wrap his brain around was the disparity between what he had thought and felt about the marriage and what was actually the truth about the relationship.


As Stanley's individual therapy progressed, he came into greater awareness of the illusion that shrouded his marriage. He had to confront the difficult reality that he was in love with a person who may have never really loved him back. This was a trauma that instigated much anxiety and resulted in many sleepless nights.


His wife's confession was also devastating because it entailed the death of future hopes and aspirations. Both of them had talked of vacations and retirment plans that would never see the light of day. Stanley found the loss of these future aspirations almost too painful to carry.


A big part of our work together was wading through the illusions of the marriage. After several weeks of digging into their relatiopnship, Stanley started to acknowledge that his wife struggled to show him the affection he truly desired. He always wanted to snuggle on the couch and kiss more often. She did not like either of those two things. Stanley was finally able to admit they had little to no chemistry in the bedroom. If the two ever had sex (which was rare), Stanley was the one initiating it and it seemed like she did not enjoy it very much.


In therapy, Stanley slowly but surely released the illusion that his marriage was perfect. At first, Stanley was resistant to my questions. I wanted to challenge him to think of all the ways his marriage was less than perfect. Stanley did not want to go there.


After a few sessions, Stanley opened up to the possibility there were some deep incompatibilities in the marriage. Stanley craved greater affection while his wife pushed away most romantic advances. Stanley had interpreted these rejections as signals that his wife was tired from such a demanding job. After our deeper exploration, Stanley started looking at his relationship from a different angle.


In time, Stanley was able to see that he and his wife were great friends but not a great romantic fit. By losing the fantasy, Stanley was able to accept his own erotic desires and express the wish for a future partner that was more sexually compatible.


Stanley was afraid to start dating again. At his age, he was nervous that he would not find someone that he could fully love again. The online dating experience was rocky at first but he eventually found someone that seemed like a great match for him.


He was really proud of himself for being upfront and clear about his needs in a relationship. He told me he shared more about his needs and vulnerabilities in a few months with this person than he did in his whole marriage. I saw this as a great sign because he was no longer living in a fantasy world. He had a real sense of what he needed and was willing to put himself out there.


Stanley's story is a great example of the loss of growth. There were times when his loss felt overwhelming, as a 25-year marriage and a secure future vanished in an instant. Though it was challenging to support Stanley through his grief, the fading illusion of his perfect marriage allowed him to step into a more confident version of himself.


Conclusion: Shedding Pseduoskins


The image you uploaded shows a close-up of a snake shedding its skin, with the old skin still covering part of its head. The snake’s new, brighter skin is visible underneath, giving the appearance of a fresh start. The process of shedding skin, known as ecdysis, is common in reptiles and symbolizes growth, renewal, and transformation

Hillman employs the image of a snake molting to describe the process of human growth:


“Shedding pseudoskins, crusted stuff that you’ve accumulated. Shedding dead wood. That’s one of the big sheddings. Things that don’t work anymore, things that don’t keep you—keep you alive. Sets of ideas that you’ve had too long. People that you don’t really like to be with, habits of thought, habits of sexuality”


Whether it's a persona that no longer serves you or a set of beliefs that no longer make sense, growth may look like the shedding of something old in order to allow space for the emergence of something new. This process is always messy, awkward and painful.


Our old identities worked for us at somepoint and it's what we're used to. If you're committed to growth, you are embarking into unknown territory with less gear than you're used to.


The hope is that you come out the other side lighter and with a greater sense of freedom and vitality.


About The Author



Quique Autrey (LPC, MS, MDiv) is the co-founder and lead therapist at the Neurodiversity Center of Katy. With over two decades of experience, he has been committed to helping individuals uncover and embrace their authentic selves. Through personalized therapy and deep exploration, Quique guides his clients in understanding their true nature and living in alignment with their core values. In addition to his work as a therapist, he also hosts the Psyche podcast. 

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