I'm a recovering "people pleaser". I write about my battle with "people pleasing" in my new book Green Flags: How To Be The Kind of Person That You Need in Your Life.
A "people pleaser" is someone who prioritizes the needs of others, their desires, their opinions, and their approval above their own. In this blog, I explore the underlying patterns of a "people pleaser" from a depth psychological perspective. Depth psychology is a branch of psychological theory that has its roots in figures like Sigmund Freud, Alfred Adler, and Carl Jung. At its core, depth psychology highlights the fact that humans have an unconscious dimension of their existence that drives their motivations, emotions, behaviors, etc. The goal of psychotherapy from a depth psychological perspective, is to help make the unconscious more conscious in a person's life.
The Unconscious Dimension of "People Pleasing"
As I write about in Green Flags, "people pleasing" was a significant struggle for me in my twenties. A significant portion of this time was spent working as a pastor in various churches. Instead of having clearly defined boundaries, I was a chameleon, morphing into the person I imagined others wanted me to be.
In conversations with people who held values different than my own, I would outwardly agree with positions I did not like or agree to do things that made me feel uncomfortable. Without well-defined boundaries, my compass was what I thought people wanted rather than what felt right in my existential core.
After my life fell apart, I started therapy with someone who came from a depth psychological perspective. One of the major things we worked on was my "people pleasing" behavior.
What we discovered was suprising to me. It turned out my "people pleasing" behavior was rooted in a deep-seated sense of shame. Shame, according to Brené Brown, is,"the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection.”
In Green Flags, I explore some of the reasons I developed such a profound sense of shame. Deep in my unconscious I believed that I was fundamentally flawed and not worthy of love or connection. This unconscious dynamic came out in my life as "people pleasing" behavior. My lack of boundaries and the pattern of prioritizing others above myself was a way to secure some of the love and acceptance I felt was missing in my life.
Overcoming "People Pleasing"
The other day, I came across an instagram post about "people pleasing" by @herpsychology. One of the important points she makes is:
It's my life so it's ok to put me first
The first step to overcoming my "people pleasing" behavior was to identify the link between my unconscious sense of shame and the patterns of putting others above myself.
After this link was identified, I worked to address my sense of shame. In therapy, I learned to practice self-compassion and found a way to accept and validate myself.
As I grew in self-acceptance, I began to practice putting myself first and others a close second. When someone shared an opinion I disagreed with, I would respectfully assert my own perspective. I no longer did things that went against my values.
The most suprising thing about having clearer boundaries was that my relationships greatly improved. Before, in my era of "people pleasing", I felt either used or rejected by some who found my behavior annoying.
That's the great irony of the "people pleaser". He or she imagines that putting others first will improve their social life. The opposite is almost always the case. The "people please" ends up feeling used by some or pushed away by those that recognize the toxic behavior.
Conclusion
I started the blog by saying that I am a recovering "people pleaser." Sadly, there are still days "people pleasing" is a pattern I fall back into. We are all works in progress. The real key is to acknowledge our unhealthy unconscious dynamics, take responsibility for them, and take positive steps in the direction of addressing them.
Many people find therapy is one helpful way to begin this journey of self-examination. Others find that talking to a good friend or mentor can be a way for them to accomplish this. The important thing is that you find a trusted other than can help you see some of the things that you cannot see all by yourself.
I want to encourage you to buy my new book Green Flags as a way to start this journey of self-reflection. Read it with your therapist or someone else in your life who is comitted to helping you become the best version of yourself. Each chapter of the book ends with discussion questions and tools for practice to help you put the ideas in the book into concrete practice.
Whatever path you choose, I hope you can find the courage to confront the darker parts of yourself to light the way for a brighter future.
About The Author
I'm Quique (say it like "key+kay"), the co-founder and lead therapist at The Neurodiversity Center of Katy. Working with neurodivergent individuals is my passion. My clients often tell me that they find it easy to relate to me and appreciate my blend of expertise and down-to-earth advice.
For over two decades, I've dedicated my career to supporting neurodivergent individuals. My journey began in youth ministry, transitioned into teaching at a high school tailored for neurodiverse students, and ultimately led me to therapy.
My personal encounter with psychological challenges deeply informs my work. Diagnosed with Tourette Syndrome in my youth and later grappling with OCD as an adult, my therapeutic journey was transformative. It was through engaging with a skilled therapist that I learned to navigate my challenges productively. This experience was so impactful that it propelled me to support other men facing similar neurodiverse challenges.
I'm known for my vibrant personality and my knack for establishing genuine connections with neurodiverse clients. My therapeutic approach is engaging, focused on solutions, and tailored to meet the individual needs of each client.
Outside of my professional life, I'm a family man, blessed with a loving wife, four children, and two dogs—a pug and a French bulldog. My hobbies include writing, podcasting, exercising, watching TV, and spending quality time with friends.
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